Claudine the Cruel!

Performed on the CD by: Bonnie Langford

Claudine the cruel was a nifty shifty dame.
She had her share of aces in the deck of life,
and then she placed the final game.
Some say she learned her lesson in the final reel,
but by then it was too late,
as Claudine’s glory comes from Claudine’s story,
which I’ll sadly now relate.

Oh Claudine dear Claudine. a lady indeed!
Oh Claudine, sweet Claudine, but driven by greed!

The very day that Claudine got the key to the door,
she met a millionaire.
She got engaged that very night and tied the knot,
down at a chapel in Bel-air.

She didn’t seem to mind that he was seventy-one.
But then three weeks after they’d wed,
the neighbours heard her screaming,
‘Oh my god I must be dreaming.
My husband’s sort of dead!’

Claudine the cruel
was slightly dodgy, but was no-body’s fool
And so at twenty one our kiddo,
was a very merry widow!
Claudine the cruel!

They held a little inquest for the poor dear man,
which was the least that they could do.
It seemed that he’s been poisoned, (by mistake of course)
by a deadly mushroom stew.
The coroner declared that she was not to blame.
as she had been the perfect wife.
And he praised her great endurance
while she thought of the insurance
on her darling husbands life.

Oh Claudine, dear Claudine. Some say she was mad!
Oh Claudine, sweet Claudine. In truth she was bad!

She met her second husband at a billionaires thrash.
(I think you’ve got the gist.)
She knew that love was imminent when missy saw
the diamonds on his wrist.

She didn’t seem to mind that he was seventy-six.
But then three weeks after they’d wed,
the neighbours saw her leaping.
Then she told them through her weeping.
‘Il est mort upon the bed!’

Claudine the cruel
was slightly dodgy, but was no-body’s fool.
she was an angel of a looker,
and a devil with a cooker.
Claudine the cruel!

They held a little inquest for the poor dear man,
which was the least that they could do.
It seemed that he’d been poisoned, (once again my dear,)
by a deadly mushroom stew.

The coroner declared that it was very strange,
how lightning had struck twice.
But Claudine knew she’d tricked him
when he said she was ‘a victim,’
and also ‘very nice.’

She met ‘numero trois’ at a small soiree in France,
and they soon began to talk.
It seemed he owned a little place she’d been to once.
It was called New-York, New-York.

She didn’t seem to mind that he was seventy-nine.
But then three weeks after they’d wed,
the neighbours heard her crying
and they found her husband lying,
with an axe lodged in his head!

- Hit it boys!

Claudine the cruel
was slightly dodgy, but was no-body’s fool.
She knew before long she’d be frying,
so there was no point in lying.
Claudine the cruel!

They took her into custody until her trial.
Then on the judgement day,
the jury found her guilty
and the judge asked if she’d anything to say.

The court was hushed as Claudine stood
and started to tell of the bit that no-one knew.
‘I had no choice your honour,
as I couldn’t get the bastard to eat the mushroom stew!’

Claudine the cruel
was slightly dodgy, but was no-body’s fool.
you’d better believe it
And yet the way she would be dying,
was to be electrifying!
Claudine the cruel!

Oh Claudine, dear Claudine, they want you to die!
Oh Claudine, poor Claudine, you’ve cooked your own pie!

When the final day for dear old Claudine arrived,
they gave the girl her last request.
She’d asked if she could cook a little lunch for them all,
before they put her to her rest

That meal is now referred to as the final feast.
It was a feast they soon would rue.
One minute they were sighing,
and the next they all were lying,
with their faces in her stew.
Claudine washed the pots, and took one last look around,
deciding she’d not wait.
With no one there to walk with her the final mile,
she marched out through the gate.

She’s not been seen again although the legend says,
she stole a jumbo jet,
and wed an eastern lama,
and is now a mushroom farmer,
in the valleys of Tibet!

So if by chance you find yourself in old Tibet,
you know now what to do.
Beware of Lama’s widows wearing lots of jewels,
and bearing mushroom stew!
Oh yeah!