I’ve Never Been In A Show By Andrew Lloyd Webber

Oh what a circus my life is,
No matter what I do
With no light at the end of the tunnel,
Should I just say goodnight and thankyou?
I am certainly no prima donna,
Down once more on my song and dance.
So take that look off your face,
While I lay out my case.
If you’ll just give me the chance.
You see,
I’ve never been in a show by Andrew Lloyd Webber!
If only I could sing one of his tunes.
All my friends perform him nightly,
Taking all those curtain calls.
While the closest I’ve got to the stage is selling ice cream in the stalls.

I’d love to be in Starlight or Evita.
Or sing mas q.u.e.r.a.d.e.
Andrew’s office I keep calling,
Only he just keeps on stalling.
Stone the crows why must he close every door to me?
I’ve never been in a show by Andrew Lloyd Webber!
All I ask of life is half a moment to
Prove seeing is believing,
If he’d only hear me sing.
He’d be crazy not to love my voice, and love changes everything!

To be in Sunset, Joseph, Jeeves or Phantom.
Or maybe Whistle down the wind one day.
My career could use some fixing,
But he keeps on mega-mixing.
Is it cricket we’re not amigos para siempre?

Am I past the point of no return?
Pie Jesu, what can it be?
If Andrew’s will is hard my friend,
What’s that to do with me?
I’d be surprisingly good for you,
Just ignore my sad demeanour.
For you I’d learn to roller skate,
Or do Cats in Argentina!

I wanna know, I wanna know my lord!
I wanna see, I wanna see my lord!

Don’t close your eyes or draw the curtain.
With one look I’d be etched in your memory.
I’m nothing like you’ve ever known,
And I’ve never liked Patti Lapone.
Oh, oh, oh Andrew be kind and think of me.
Think of me fondly.

I’ve never been in a show by Andrew Lloyd Webber! Oh Jesus Christ I’m damned for all time through.
So next time with your permission,
Andrew please let me audition.
Believe me when I say any show will do!
This time I’m praying and saying you should!
So could we start again please Andrew?
That’s all I ask of you?

Words and music – © Richard Kates 1999